do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize