I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
