She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
