I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
