highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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