if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I have grass duct taped all over my body
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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