My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
im six kinds of drunk right now
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
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