The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
My dick has a subreddit
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
