The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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