Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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