Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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