I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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