I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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