I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
The best revenge is premature balding
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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