Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
