Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
