you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
