last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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