I wish they made helmets for livers.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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