3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
