There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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