i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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