Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
