can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
