so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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