Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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