I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize