Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
