How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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