kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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