I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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