No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
