If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
