Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
