Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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