After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
