i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
