I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
