I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize