How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
ugly people sure do ruin things
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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