Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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