perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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