Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
