Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
