i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
