I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize