How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
