I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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