$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
