Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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