I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
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