I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
