Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
