Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize