its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
