Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
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