Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
