I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
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